see my breasts.
T me out.
why not?
[laughter]
[cheersnd applause]
hat vacuum wouldn't be
Smiling so much if he knew there
Was a [bleep] up his nose.
Welcome to "tosh.0."
If you're like me when you think
Of good authentic reggae music
Chinese crown comes to mind and
They released these sick clicks
For the ladies.
I hav no idea what I'm even
Talking about at this point.
But apparently they're good
Shoes.
Tonight on the show, we hp the
Pickup art of the get laid and I
Show y the most talented valet
Ever and prove going to medical
School's a complete waste of
Time.
Now let's see if jeff van
Undy's still going at it with
The vacuum.
Do you know 80% of guys are
Still wearing the wrong sized
Bra.
This turned the dt buster into
The butt duster.
Fun fact, the model holds up to
Three gallons.
Is there a hose attachment that
Wig suck up shame?
Did you here about kent in
Accounting?
Saw him on tosh getting sucked
Up by shock vac.
Think he'll still get the
Promotion?
Probably, he does good work.
Turns out foot binding gets you
Mad hops.
I bet her parents are psyched
They didn't throw her in the
River when she was born.
She just burned off eight bowles
Of rice.
Really packed the stands to see
This one.
All right.
You're 30 second break is over.
Back to making my sick kicks.
Now it's time to play what the
[bleep] is that standing off to
The side.
[laughter]
tosh: I can't tell if it's a
Monkey, little person or a
Monkey.
All right.
The jury's still out. All I know
Is america's going take the gold
In skipping rope.
On your mark, get set, go!
Sorry, I fort got to count.
The real trick was finding a
Pair of titties in l.A. That
Weren't too fake to flop around.
If you learned anything from the
Next video is ner volunteer to
Demonstrate anything.
I'm going to roll to my left
At the same time I'm goingring
My right leg over the shoulder.
tosh: You shop at the same
Blue pajama outlet?
Watch his hands I think he wants
To tap out -- nope, he's gonna
Take a nap.
Soour partner is dead.
Yeah.
[laughter]
[bleep]
tosh: Being a grown man means
Never having to say I got choked
Out at karate practice.
Bunchf old dudes probably
Finding in that movie,
Expendables 2.
It's a joke.
Because she dances a robo don't
Make her a hoe-no.
Usher's in trouble.
Good job, this is way more fun
To watch than a cure for cancer.
Don't just sta you horn dog,
Throw some yen.
Now teach it how to listen and
Nod so I can send it on all my
Dates.
[laughter]
Old man strength is no match for
Alligator strength.
tosh: The years have not been
Kind to johnny knoxville.
[bleep] [bleep]
forcing grandpa t wrestle
Gators is way more human than
Putting him in a home.
Something similar happened to me
Last weekend.
what the [bleep] was that?
Did you justite me?
yeah.
I hope it gets infected you old
Perve.
tosh: Technically I was
Trespassing.
What's next?
tosh: Jonbenet is wobbling in
Her grave and she can't even
Master walking.
How will she eve carry out her
Important beauty dreams.
Now watch her dreams shatter in
The breakdown.
Welcome to the most prestigious
Beauty contest in the entir
Third world.
Let's skip right to the swim
Suits since they all have the
Same talent, still beinglive
In africa.
Easy, big fella.
He's roaming around lik a
New-born calf.
The weave muste throwing off
Thr center of gravity or it's
The lack of clean water.
Timber.
Now I get why clooney wants to
Help the sudans so bad.
Hubba, hubba.
Little miss midnight is really
Struggling to maintain her boys.
I guess the most of day is
Vision to avoid circumcision
Walking on heels isn't a
Priority.
The key is shifting weight to
The toes.
I only know that because I date
Models and I'm a cross-dresser
And we say hakuna mutata
Chocolate princess.
We'll beight back with the
Flirting expert but first let's
Just say you both lost.
a lot of things adults say
That are flirting can be taken
The wrong way if you don't
Nvey them with energy and fun.
In other words, if I see a girl
Th blue eyes I might say wow,
You're eyes are like
Blueberries.
Wait, can I -- I'm kind of
Hungry -- can I have?
That's one thing we can go into
But here's what happened if I
Don't smile and bring myenergy
Level lower and if my voice
Sounds flat.
Hey, I really like your eyes.
They'relue like blueberrys
.
Can I touch them?
Can I eat them.
That's strange.
tosh: I think a moisture bomb
Went off on ourpanties.
I love that guy.
That guy is a sex pert and he
Was making a vid about howo
Flirt.
If you use the right attention
Of attention, flattery and vodka
Cnberry her legs spread open.
If she has big boobs she just
Wants to hear she has a nice
Smile and don't be afraid to
Give it up on the first date
Ladies.
The eier it is to pick up a
Ick theore likely she's
Coursing hpv.
And girls get emotionally
Attached when they orgasm so
It's important to not let that
Happen
I ner give a gl my number
And I give her a bottle with a
Note and tell her to throw it
Into the sea.
The currents will determine our
Fate.
I still wt to help alex sleigh
Some strange so I slipped him a
Micky and brought him back to my
Place for this week's web
Redemption.
daniel to, what are you
Doing here
tosh: I found you on grinder
So I brought you a sandwich and
Some cheese.
Come on in.
Who is alex?
right now I'm anngineering
Student at new England.
tosh: Why'd you make the
Video.
I was helping a friend make
Dating advice.
tosh: How long before it
Became popular.
a f years we had a few
Thousand hits and two years ago
It was post post post post post.
did you wake up in a sweat.
Why are you giving away all you
Secrets online?
they're not secrets they're
Lines.
Lines don't work.
tosh: Have you ever had
Success with pick up lines?
yeah.
tosh: Do you have funny pick
Uplines?
you take a drink and you say
To a girl ihink somebody put
Something in this
Can you test.
tosh: Name some past times.
I like to sail.
tosh: Nobody sails.
Do you wear a sweater o your
Shoulder.
What other sttimes.
I play guitar.
tosh: I assume you travelled
Through europe.
yes.
Can I have my arm back?
tosh: No one forced you to
Put your arm around me.
yeah, right.
tosh: Where is the best place
To meet girls?
depends on what kind of girl
You like.
tosh: I like a whore.
Where would you say the best
Place is?
I wouldn't know.
tosh: What is the best place
To meet a strong interesting
Girl looking for a voice
Relationship?
a book store.
tosh: What section.
depends what you like.
tosh: Whore.
Do you also give advice on
Sexual techniques.
not any more.
tosh: So you have?
Did you make a video like that
As well?
Are you rolling in the
[bleep]ing.
define rolling?
Just up to here.
Do you keep a sex journal.
no.
tosh: Would you consider
Yourself an ass or tit man.
more of an ass man.
I think to comes with
Maturity.
As long as that vagina isn't
Beat up we're good to go.
What's the hotst girl you went
Out with?
a jennifer.
tosh: She left a voice mail
Saying do you think you can
Never [bleep] talk to me again.
I played it for anyone who would
Listen.
You excited about speed dating?
yeah.
tosh: I'll watch you.
Remember your advice, big smile,
High energy.
Let's see if we can romance the
[bleep] out of tse sluts.
ok.
tosh: Open up.
I'm half irish.
will I be needing lucky
Charms to get your number?
no.
were were you affected by th
Radiation injapan.
You're a little glowing.
how about we hit up red
Lobster or whenever you people
Like to go.
you people?
do you like trains because
I'd like to give you a look at
The cleveland steamer.
he wants to know if he can
Pee on you.
gross.
yeah, but can he pee on you.
no.
you want to play match the
Castle towers.
what is that?
when our penises bang into
Each other.
I'm at the wrong table.
you should [bleep] me.
I'm on comedy central.
hey, that's my line, dick.
I have every tyler perry
Movie on blu-ray.
Your eyes are like blueberries.
you're eyes are like
Blueberries.
can I --
yeah, you c take it out.
It's a glass eye.
I'mo glad you're cool with it.
god, that's [bleep]ing gross.
Go ahead, big talker, pop it in.
how aut we skip dessert and
You eat my brown eye?
[applause]
for the record I don't speed
Date.
If you want to go out with me be
Amazing looking and I our
Managers will discuss upcoming
Projects and probably have
Iercourse.
First I wish this happened to
Everyone who dressed up for
Comicon.
[laughter]
[¶]
[cheers and applause]
tosh: That was the guinness
Book of world records winner for
The tightest parallel parking
Job.
If it seems like a stupid world
Record it's because there's a
Bunch of alcoholics at g guinne
Running things.
If there's a record I will not
Rest until I've broken it out
Smashed t hell out of a coupl
Mini coopers that don't belong
To me.
Now time for the segment, I'm
Better than you, na na na boo
Boo, stick your head in doo doo.
I think I can do it.
[cheers and applause]
.
tosh: Na na na boo boo, stick
Your head in doo doo.
I'd like to thank the la ladiesd
My staff for lending me the
Minis for that bit.
Go to our blog andupload a clip
For a viewer video.
I'm chris.
I'm 25 years old.
All right.
Quick question, do you have any
Pets?
A dog.
what's your dog's name?
mocha.
Okay.
That's cute.
Okay.
Little mocha, just past away in
Your arms and that's your little
Mocha.
Show me a broken down man.
Show me sad.
Take a moment if you need one.
[laught]
all right.
Thank you, chris.
tosh: That's the same look
That he's been coasting on for
Years.
We'll be right back with more
Comic groove.
[cheers and applause]
tosh: Welcome back to my
Extremely profitable televised
Podcast.
Next week we dust off this
Nine-year-old gem for a
Redemption.
nearly every shop is
Installing met in the exhaust
Pipes that makes the carudible
Or at least a mile.
the whiffle's like an alarm
Clock.
tosh: We make him say
Whoo-whoo 15 more times.
Keep up with our blog on comedy
Central and buy this with my
Name on them at our store and
I'd in happy to stop thinking
About my new brickle berry.
I want to introduce you to steve
Who you might remember from
Office spac
if she was a prostute why
Didn't I wr a condom?
no condom.
tosh: And finally, have you
Ever had a mysterious rash but
Were too embarrassed or poor to
See a doctor about it?
Good news I'm giving out medical
Advice I'm not a doctor but I
Have important information and I
Asked twitter followers to
Deribe their symptom and I
Give advice in a new segment
Called tweetment.
My ankle hurts.
Stop being a pussy and if that
Doesn't work buy yourself an
Ottoman.
Eept for four, none of my
[bleep] has been solid for the
Past three weeks pooping.
.
There's no didisrespect in havi
Only four a we.
My eye twitches all the time.
I can feel it but you can't see
It.
There's lupus.
You will die alone.
Now buy an eye patch.
I think I might be too cute.
I think that's n a picture of
You.
My feet get hot at night.
Take off your shoes and socks
Before you getnto bed.
What if they weret home going
Holy [bleep], that worked.
Then you wouldn't think my
Suggestion was so dumb.
A cough, bumps around my lips
And mouth, fever and nobody
Wants me to eat them out which I
Am very good at.
All right, I'm taking this
Seriously
You need to grow a goatee.
That wl hide the sores and
Thenct like you're going down
To stare at it and then munch
Time.
When drum line is on I have to
Watch it.
I'd be worried if you didn't
Watc it.
I have a fetus growing inside
Any belly.
Do not panic.
Fall down some stairs and take
Take a wire and jam it up there
Aggresively and jump in a
Jacuzzi, preferably set over 120
Degrees.
Stew in there as long as
Possible.
All right, I'm done.
Sorry I didn't try harder but in
Fairnesthidou
Good night.
[ yelling ]